Eric Cartman is No More
by Sys121525
Summary: My first fan fiction. This is a simple story about how a boy in South Park gets rid of the most annoying person in South Park. Eric Cartman. Please don't be offended.
1. Chapter 1 - The Plan

**Eric Cartman is No More**

Acknowledgements: "South Park" and all characters belong to co-creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone.

Disclaimer: The following fan fiction contains murder, coarse language and may be illogical at some instances.

**Chapter 1 – The Plan**

Eric Cartman is a dick, a big fat-ass dick. He always rips on other people and manipulate them to do everything under his control. He is a psychotic asshole who always pissed me off. All I want to do is to get rid of him, so that I can live a normal live in South Park, without an asshole. After his mother died of AIDS – probably caught it from f***ing someone – Cartman has always been lonely in his home. After school he would invite Stan, Kyle and I over to visit him, so as to have some fun ripping on us. I have always thought of killing him, but I always chicken out. But now, I have hatched a genius plan to get rid of Cartman once and for all.

It was summer break and we were all finally done with school. I always disliked the lessons taught by Mr. Garrison, he would keep on yapping about some history of something... Urgh. After the final bell rang the four of us charged out of the school and back home. It had been a long wait but we were finally free from school. It was summer break and we had nothing to do.

We have already proved that playing with a stick instead of Xbox was boring as s***. It was fun until I betrayed them, and some new kid farted on my balls. That really hurt. Man the times we had where we have done everything, but now we had a long vacation but nothing to do. We all had previously decided to go to the water park outside of town and try out the new water slide, but apparently the park was still closed due to the pee incident. Now I'm just reminiscing the past, cause there ain't nothing else to do...

I called Cartman, asking whether he needed my company, he said that it would be great. That was the start of operation Goodbye Eric Cartman. I had to meet him at his house at 5:00pm. That left me a lot of time to plan out the operation. First, I would lure him into his room and go to his kitchen to prepare his final meal, then I will feed it to him. After he consumes it, he will die in agony and I will hide his body in his unused locked garage. Perfect.

_To be continued in **Chapter 2 - The Act**..._

2015 - Sys121525


	2. Chapter 2 - The Act

**Eric Cartman is No More**

Acknowledgements: "South Park" and all characters belong to co-creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone.

Disclaimer: The following fan fiction contains murder, coarse language and may be illogical at some instances.

**Chapter 2 – The Act**

At 5:00 pm, I reached his house and I was brought to his room. "Are you hungry? I could look for food in the kitchen." I asked Cartman. He replied, "Sure. I want some Cheesy Poofs, they are my favorite. Just look in the pantry, there should be plenty. After mum died, I now buy them by myself." I quickly rushed downstairs to the pantry. I found a packet of Cheesy Poofs and poured it into a big bowl. Secretly when he was unaware, I sprinkled some rat poison onto the Cheesy Poofs. I have always kept spare rat poison in a bottle with me to prevent the rats from biting me when I was asleep at home. It is odorless and hard to distinguish from the cheesy powder in the Cheesy Poofs, and will be able to kill Cartman in the cleanest, quickest and least obvious way.

I brought the bowl up to him and he immediately snatched it from me. Knowing that he would finish the bowl of Cheesy Poofs by himself, I was sure that the amount of poison would kill him quickly. He started munching on the crispy chips, while I stared at him slowing dying from the poison. He was whining about Stan and Kyle having vacations as they got to go overseas, when he suddenly complained of a pain in his stomach. He was about to get up from his bed and go to the bathroom to take a s***, but he soon became light-headed and fainted, with foam coming out of his mouth. When he stopped moving, I went to him to check, he stopped breathing. Finally, the asshole was dead.

I quickly dragged his body from his room to the garage. It was filled with cobwebs and had been locked for so long that the garage door became rusted and could not be opened easily. I hid his body inside a long chest, and shut it tight, taping it up with duct tape I found in the garage. I then used his bundle of keys and locked up all the rooms in his house, destroyed all the evidence I could find and left the house, locking it up. I hid the keys in my orange parka and went back home just in time for dinner. My parents high and drunk as ever, just fought in the living room, while I went into my room and slept.

_To be continued in **Chapter 3 - Tying Up Loose Ends**..._

2015 - Sys121525


	3. Chapter 3 - Tying up Loose Ends

**Eric Cartman is No More**

Acknowledgements: "South Park" and all characters belong to co-creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone.

Disclaimer: The following fan fiction contains murder, coarse language and may be illogical at some instances.

**Chapter 3 – Tying Up Loose Ends**

A few weeks later, Stan and Kyle were back from their vacation. I asked them to come to my house for us to play. Stan said that it would be better to for us to go to Cartman's house, make him feel less lonely. I then said that he hated me and didn't want to see me. This lie was enough to convince them to visit my house instead of Cartman's. They can't find out about Cartman's murder. At least not yet. I knew that they would find out sooner or later so I have come up with a plan to shut them out for good. This news does not need to be spread even more.

On Friday morning, I asked Stan and Kyle to follow me to Stark's Pond for a boat ride. We all went and I rowed a rented boat to a secluded spot on the pond, where we won't be seen. I told them that there was a crocodile coming right for us and both of them turned around. I quickly strangled Stan with my bare hands and he quickly passed out. Kyle quickly turned back and tried to stop me but I continued and killed Stan. "What the f***, Kenny?!" Kyle exclaimed. I tried to grab hold him but he quickly jumped off the boat and swam back to shore. I had lost Kyle and was soon going to be ratted out by that f***ing Jew. I knew there was no other choice but to drown myself, make it look like a suicide, and no one will find out about Cartman. I jumped into the water and drowned myself.

"What the f***, dude." Stan said. "Why the f*** didn't you kill Kyle?" Cartman questioned angrily. "Yeah, why dude?" Kyle also questioned. I simply replied, "Kyle survives, so what, its just a story." Cartman stayed pissed at me for not killing Kyle, but whatever dude, this is my story and I will do whatever I want with it. f*** 'em.

******** THE END ********

2015 - Sys121525


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